Works Counseling Center

  There is a particular kind of confusion or disappointment that can happen when something good happens in our lives and we don’t feel the way we expected to feel. We may accomplish a goal we have worked toward for years, enter a relationship we have hoped for, move into a new home, receive a promotion, or reach a milestone that we worked towards. We imagine that when the moment finally arrives, we will feel happy, relieved, fulfilled, or proud. Yet sometimes, when we get there, the emotion we expected never comes. Instead, we might feel tired, restless, disconnected, sad, anxious, or perhaps nothing at all. This can be unsettling because we often have deeply held beliefs about how we are supposed to feel in certain circumstances. When something is objectively good, we assume our emotional response should be good too. When we achieve something meaningful, we believe we should feel proud. When something we have wanted for a long time finally happens, we believe we should feel gratef...

  It may come as no surprise, but therapists often hold themselves to incredibly high standards Especially when first starting out, my schooling left me in the mindset of always having the perfect intervention, to never miss important details, or to consistently know the ‘right’ thing to do. If you add in comparison to seasoned clinicians, social media posts that seem littered with peoples ‘Moments where my therapist changed my life’, and the ever increasing pressure to ‘do better’ — you’ve got a really good recipe for imposter syndrome. If you have ever left a session wondering,  “Did I actually help?”  or maybe you’ve thought,  “One day they’ll realize I’m not experienced enough,”  or  “I should know exactly what to say.”  These are common experiences of imposter syndrome. In truth- my experiences in pursuit of licensure have shown me that a therapist isn’t effective because you have all the answers. Efficacy in the session room is built in strong th...

  In  couples ’ therapy, there are the  Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse  that lead to relationships ending. These include  Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling . We’ve discussed the first two already, and the third and fourth of these are  Defensiveness  and  Stonewalling , both of which can be detrimental to a couple’s future together. Defensiveness It’s natural for many of us to feel defensive when another person is complaining about something that we have done or not done. This is particularly true if your family of origin was harsh and critical with you. You want to diffuse the conflict by stating your case. However, this approach rarely helps us to get the resolution that we so desperately want. This is a subtle way of blaming your partner. You are the “victim” in this scenario, and your partner is the “aggressor”. This only serves to perpetuate and escalate the conflict between the two of you. In many cases, the defensiveness...

  In  couples ’ therapy, there are the  Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse  that lead to relationships ending. These include  Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling . Research has shown that these have negative impacts on a couple’s ability to resolve conflict and may lead to eventual separation or divorce. The first of these is  Criticism . This takes the form of sarcasm or blaming, and may often include words or phrases like “you always…”, “you should…”, “you never…”, or “What is wrong with you?” These imply that the partner is the problem and not the situation and how to deal with it. This can spell doom for the dynamics of the relationship. Criticism The first of the  Four Horsemen  is  Criticism . Learning to frame your grievance in the form of a complaint instead of criticism involves 1) stating  how you feel  ( I’m really angry ), 2) about as  specific situation  ( you didn’t clean the dishes ), and 3)...

  I remember the comments that seemed so ordinary at the time. Complaints in front of the mirror. Asking “does this dress make me look fat?” Pictures being avoided. Laughing off compliments. Criticizing wrinkles, cellulite, stomachs, thighs, or the way age had changed a face. None of those words were directed at me, but they didn’t have to be. I simply noticed that the woman I admire most dislikes what she sees in the mirror. Then I noticed our similarities. The same smile. The same body shape. The same laugh. The same expressions. Years later, I found myself standing in front of my own mirror saying the very same things. I criticized my appearance before I noticed anything beautiful about it. I searched for my flaws before I saw my strengths. As a mental health therapist, I hear versions of this story almost every day. Women sit across from me describing the relentless voice in their heads that tells them they’re too much, not enough, too big, too loud, too emotional, or simply un...

  I first began my journey into therapy many years ago to explore and understand my sexuality. I was terrified about the thought of being gay and only wanted to get rid of the feelings that I was experiencing. My first therapist would listen thoughtfully and empathetically — which I appreciated. However, his challenge to me was to “embrace” that part of myself. I HATED WHEN HE SAID THIS! Acceptance was the last thing on my mind. For years, I ran from this part of myself, seeking things to change my desires and my way of thinking. I tried challenging my thoughts, using positive affirmations, and tapping different parts of my body to help me deal with the  anxiety  I was feeling. I even tried aversion techniques like wearing a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it whenever I felt same-sex attractions. All the while that I was doing these things; I only became more anxious and depressed. After 20 years of doing these things, I finally decided that these techniques were...

  The older I get, the more I realize that many people carrying homophobia do not even recognize it in themselves anymore. They think homophobia has to look loud to count. They think it has to look violent, aggressive, obvious. So they never examine the discomfort they feel around queer visibility, queer relationships, queer joy, queer marriage, queer families, or queer identity because they convinced themselves their intentions matter more than their impact. Especially in the South, prejudice learned how to clean itself up. It learned how to sound polite, thoughtful, religious, and “loving.” It hides inside phrases people repeat so casually they no longer even hear the harm in them anymore. “I love everybody, but…” “I support them, I just don’t agree with it.” “I’m Christian.” “I don’t hate gay people.” Somewhere along the way, people convinced themselves that if they softened the language enough, the cruelty somehow disappeared too. But queer people notice the difference between ...